It's passover and there's strife in the Jewish community. An in-fight so bloody and controversial it is driving families apart at the seder table. It has created a clear dividing line between the will-haves and the will-have-nones.
At the center of the debate is, naturally, the hippest grain known to man: quinoa.
Yes quinoa. This miracle grain is causing problems for people trying to keep passover across the country. No longer is it considered safe to consume during passover for fear that God himself (or herself) would disapprove.
And we wouldn't want that, would we?
After years of being enjoyed and having a protected status as a perfectly fine replacement food under kosher law this designation has been stripped of its rank. The rabbinic committee lined up each of those adorable little pearls and unpinned the Kosher for Passover medallion from their breasts.
Now I approve of this decision. We can't be too careful when it comes to consuming foods that show even the tinniest potential of swelling. That's why I only eat steaks during passover because I know those sucker are going to shrink after spending 30 minutes on a hot grill. Dried fruits are acceptable too but I don't really like the taste of those.
What I'm worried about is the soul and the dedication to passover of those who consumed quinoa in years past. They have, in the eyes of these Rabbis and God, sinned. They retroactively broke passover. Since 1998 people have blindly indulged on this thing.
This goosefoot.
And while I'd never encourage anyone to self-induce vomiting I can't think of any other way to rectify this in God's eyes.
It is, after all, your fault. You did not err on the side of safety. You indulged and got fat off of what you thought was a loophole. And now you must repent.
And you, my true believers. The ones who chose the proper path. Who have become lean and strong on matzo and the memories of our ancestors. I beg you to bring up your gagging spoons and follow me to help those who are unwilling to help themselves. Leave your seders and march in the streets until this oversight has been rectified. When they go to welcome Elijah they will open the door and find you there!
Now go!
Nothing will be right in the eyes of God until we take it upon ourselves to make it right. For the letter of the law is more important than the spirt of it!
Amen.